Le Côté de Guermantes
Esquisse XVI
(Cahier 31, 39v-41v)
Unfortunately Montargis, kept away by the duties that were entrusted
on him, only came to Paris rarely, and on his arrival went off to see his
mistress before visiting his mother, and on account of their incessant
quarrels I preferred not to go to go to visit and especially not to go out
with them; as soon as they were together in a café he thought that all the
men were looking at her, she became furious, and they ended up by saying
the most horrible things to each other, then stopped speaking to each
other, and both of them would make excuses for making me have to witness
these scenes, which was an indirect and additional reproach to the other
and signifying that had it not been for me they would not have had to do
that. The last time he had come she had been so odious that after putting
up with it for an hour he said: "Well good-night then. When you want to
see me you will have to come and find me because I won't come back first,
since I irritate you so much." And he left with me to go and see his
mother who he had not seen for months. She had been ill and had just
returned from the Midi. Her voice cracked with emotion when she greeted
him, but I saw that he had greeted her distractedly, coldly, absorbed in
his own thoughts. "You've come for dinner, how lovely. Quick, quick, we
need to lay a place for Monsieur the comte." I was afraid that his pride
was wounded just because she had treated him like this in front of me. And
seeing that he had dragged me away into a corner of the room I was about
to make an effort to console his dignity by making excuses for his
mistress. Before I had even opened my mouth I saw that I was mistaken. "I
don't know how I could have been so abominable to her just now", he told
me sadly. "Poor darling who loves me so much. What must she be thinking
right now, she must be having her doubts about me, regretting having ever
being able to love such a brute. Oh, how she must be suffering, I think
I'll go mad if I think about it. I don't know what she might do, she might
try to kill herself, she won't ever want to see me again and she will be
right! I'm going to dash round to her house, but in the meantime she still
won't know that I'm on my way, what must she be thinking, all this is
killing me." He was sobbing the whole time he was speaking to me. "I'll
leave you here so that Mama will think that I'm going to come back, but if
the poor little thing is too upset I'll send note that I'm not coming back
and that you are going to rejoin me. Good-night Mama!"
"What! You're leaving?" replied Mme de Montargis, with tears in her
eyes, "the only day that I could get to see you."
"It's a pity," he said in an unpleasant voice, such was his hurry to
dash round to her, "but that's the way it is."
"And you won't be coming back..."
"I've absolutely no idea."
"You know it's not very nice of you to do this."
"Well, nice or not, that's the way it is." And he made his escape. I
stayed with Mme de Montargis for a few moments, and I thought I should try
to make excuses for her son. But there was no need.
"Poor little thing," she said, with a preoccupied expression, "we
mothers, you see Monsieur, are so selfish. He, who is so good, such an
adorable son, did I really tell him that what he was doing wasn't very
nice? Poor little one, I'm sure that right now those words will be
spoiling his pleasure, or adding to his worries. Oh I'd rather be beaten a
hundred times with the rod and not to have said that. If you only knew
what a heart he has! How kind he is!" She no longer said "if you only knew
how much I love him" but "if you only knew how kind he is". Those who love
do not like to say that they love because that would be to talk about
themselves, which they do not care to do, but to say "he is so kind" is to
speak about the one they love, and, by that so-called "kindness" to bring
him close to them in their imagination, be good to him, even though he
leaves them. I saw him again in the evening, and he told me in a low
voice: "You have no idea how divine she is, what an angel that woman is!"
And indeed at that moment she was being charming and sweet with him and
did not seem any more put out about what I had seen than would an actress
I had seen playing a different role would have been put out that I was
applauding her in a different play, and she smiled at him in my presence
as naturally as a field upon which the rain and the wind had just been
battering and which now glowed in the sunshine.
Created 20.01.21