"Never, never,"1 I repeated to myself the same words that she had spoken to me and which through the dreadful silence of expectation that had preceded them and the despair that had followed them had for the first time made me listen to my heart which was declaring with equal obstinacy these words: "Always, always." And now, the one in mortal combat with the other, those two refrains were alternating hopelessly and I could hear them so close to me and so deeply like blows that beat relentlessly to the core of those deep wounds. But then when my servant came in to tell me that my carriage was waiting and that it was time to go out to dinner, he recoiled in horror at the sight of the starched front of my shirt now limp with my tears.2 I sent him away, changed and got ready to go out. But I soon noticed that I was not alone in my room. A sort of squirrel-cat covered in white fur, the shade of a grebe's plumage, with elongated blue eyes, and on its head a high white tuft like birds' feathers, half hidden by the curtains of my bed, seemed to be waiting for me. "Oh Lord in Heaven," I cried, "will you leave me to die in this world of desert since her absence has made it for all eternity the most absolute emptiness, in this desperate solitude? Do you not wish to forgive me as you forgave man on the first days of the World? Either she loves me or I do not love her any more. But the first cannot be and I do not wish for the second. Shed some light into my tears as on the first of days." The clock chimed eight o'clock. Alarmed about being late3 I quickly left the house. I climbed up into the cab. With a supple and silent bound the white creature came and curled up between my legs with the placid faithfulness of one who would never leave me again. For a long time I looked into its eyes in which the deep and clear blue of the endless heavens seemed held captive and bedecked with a cross of gold. The sight of them caused me an irresistible and infinitely bittersweet desire to weep. I went inside without paying any attention to you, you beautiful white squirrel-cat, but on my arrival into the company of my friends, and only just sat down at table, I felt myself so far away from her, among people who did not know her, that I was gripped by an excruciating anguish. But straight away I felt a firm but soft caress against my knee. With a rapid movement of its white furred tail the animal settled itself comfortably down at my feet under the table and offered me up its silky back like a footstool. In the space of a moment I had lost my shoe and my foot was resting on its fur. From time to time I lowered my eyes and immediately met its sparkling and calm gaze.4 I was no longer wretched, I was no longer alone, and my feeling of well-being was so much the more profound for being secret.5 "What, don't you have", a lady said to me after dinner, "what, don't you have some little pet to keep you company? You are so alone." I cast a furtive glance under the armchair where the white squirrel-cat was keeping out of sight and I mumbled: "Quite so, quite so." I stopped talking, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. In a thoughtful mood that evening, running my fingers through its fur populated my solitude with as many gracious and melancholy female companions as if at that moment I had been playing some melodies by Fauré.6 The next day I gave myself up to all my mundane occupations, I perambulated through the indifferent streets, I saw my friends and my enemies with a rare and melancholy pleasure. The indifference and boredom that tainted everything around me were dissipated ever since there perched over it with the elegance of a bird-king and the sorrow of a prophet, the white squirrel-cat which followed me everywhere. Dear amiable and silent creature, how you have kept me company through this life that you have mysteriously and melancholically adorned.
1. Alternative beginning crossed out: I came to realize for the
first time and with perfect clarity that I loved her and that, probably,
I was not loved back and perhaps I never would be and that there was a
good chance that I never would be loved. Also.
2. Crossed out: He had carelessly left the door open.
3. I threw myself towards the staircase.
4. Crossed out: and I was proud and consoled by this precious treasure that was unknown to all those who approached me. "You have a fine animal there" my friend said to me.
5. Crossed out: not known about. Amiable and silent creature, how you have kept me company [in my life] through my life that you have mysteriously and melancholically adorned.
6. Crossed out: Franck. Schumann
Created 05.11.19